It has been quite a journey for me so far. My original concern was what if nobody cared, really and truly nobody. For the first few days it felt a bit like that, then I got my first follower it was amazing my heart fluttered I felt a bit dizzy and so happy. Each time I get a new follower I still feel like that. Someone actually cares enough to follow my blog, seriously. Then like riding a bike down a hill it began to gain momentum all on its own. I panicked. What if I was doing too well? What if lots of people followed me and I let them all down? I managed to freak myself out so much I slowed everything down. The amount of follows slowed to. I slowly crept back to blogging. This time allowing myself not to get so freaked out. Then people started commenting. That created a whole new level of panic. Actually wanting to communicate with me what the hell? They took the time not only to read my stuff but to also comment now. I wasn’t getting back to them fast enough I told myself. I wasn’t writing anything good back to them. I was letting them down. So obviously me being me I stopped blogging for a bit. By the time I gained the courage to start again. Life got in the way. The last of my grandparents died. It was a bit of a shock we all knew she was getting older of course, she was approaching 90. After the funeral we were all completely done in, the whole family was. It has taken me awhile to just get back on my feet. Blogging was off the table I simply didn’t have the capacity to do it. Slowly, I have built back up and here I am back. Here’s the thing, I might get scared of for a bit. My life might fall apart a bit. But I truly love writing. I truly love everyone for caring enough to read this. I don’t want this as a business. I want it as a passion where I can be myself. Where I can put my soul on show, my rawest thoughts things that I still feel highly self conscious of like my drawing and poetry like everything I write. In the hope that someone somewhere gets it cares. But that not the achievement I realise the achievement is me having the guts to put it out there. The plus, the bonus is finding all these amazing people who do care who do get it. So thanks for that so much.
To be honest I have been holding back with some of my poetry and drawing I know it not my best work, but part of me feels I have to save that for what I don’t know what. I read this post recently and there’s a bit at the end about how if you hold on to an idea don’t give it out show it, it dies gets lost in the shadows. It is about truly not holding back, letting it out, being brave. That is my goal I might not always manage it but I’ll get there.
So there it is a new beginning. What do you think? Do you get this? What are your fears when blogging?
As always lots of love.
I haven’t written in awhile I feel like I should in some way explain this. A lot has been happening while I was away.
The first I got a dog she is amazing, more on that later though.
The second well I’ve been drawing, writing and generally trying to get everything out on paper. It’s really helped. A real turning point for me was when I realised all this pain I was feeling I could get out. Depression is a odd thing for me, it’s this pain, it feels like I’m splitting in two like there’s this massive break in the middle of me like its never going to be okay again. Every time this began to start I got more and more worried, it was coming back and there was nothing I could do about it. One of my main worries was I couldn’t do this again feel this again, it was truly terrifying. When I began to draw I began to release some of the pain. I felt relieved that I had found something. I began to look at my poetry in a different way, before I had always tried to stay positive with it. But it was blocking me from what I really felt what was really going on inside. I read about how pain is useful for artistic expression. I definitely had pain so surely I could make something very artist and my poetry would now be on a new level. So armed with this new appreciation of my pain I sat down to write a obviously amazing poem (naive I know). There I was pen in hand, well pencil actually, nothing came then I realised I wasn’t hurting. Quite a positive really oh well I thought that’s good next time I go down I’ll do it then. Each time I went to write the pain began to fade. When I push into to it stop fearing it, it disappears well not disappears but fade becomes manageable it’s been a bit of a game changer really. To be honest I think I had got to the point with my writing and drawing where I could and can get all this stuff out. All the pain and fear sloshing around inside I had finally learned to spill out. Then this spike of pain became just an empty shell and once I pushed against it collapsed. I hope this make sense.
With my poetry I have begun writing darker stuff it’s not all dark by any means. But I’m allowing the dark thoughts and memories out on to the page. It’s quite a leap for me, the great thing is when it’s moved on to the page I feel lighter, better, stronger. Since I’ve been doing all this l have been able to go out more do more. The dark days have moved further apart. It’s about being calm when they come and grateful when they go. Accepting that I need a bit of time out and that’s good, it means I’m pushing forward (occasionally shoving myself so hard I fall down that’s not so good) backwardly it’s a good sign. It means I’m listening stoping rather than trying to barrel on through and collapsing in a heap. Which also happens sometimes.
So there we are that what’s happening with me.
Lately I have been shying away from photography, maybe because I am enjoying drawing so much. But also I have felt that it is not good enough. Like if I’m not going to do it to a professional standard I shouldn’t be doing it at all. Then while looking back through some of my old photos I remembered what my Uncle said to me it was when we were out walking as we got walked higher I looked back at the view and stood there in awe saying wow. My Uncle said if it make you say wow then it worth a photo. He was right because even if it isn’t the best photo in the world it brings you personally back to that moment back to that wow. For me that is more than worth the effort. Just because it’s not photographically perfect doesn’t mean it’s not personally perfect.
At moment I am just coming out of a bit of a difficult time. Let’s just say changing medication is not fun. But like most things there are pluses to. Although it has been really tough like I never want to do that again tough. I have found a love for art and drawing it has really helped me through it. Writing, although I really enjoy it is always a bit of a struggle for me and it also takes a lot of patience and a sort of calmness I have only just regained. But with drawing I can just be free it doesn’t matter if it’s good or not it doesn’t have to make sense it just is what it is. Like writing, drawing is something I abandoned long ago. Different reason I wasn’t and I’m still not amazing at it, at school there were people in my art class who could just do it, the type who also had amazing hand writing in their sketch books. With that comparison I gave up knowing I would never be that good so what was the point. I never thought of it as something you could learn I just thought you were either amazingly naturally talented or not. I also never thought that it doesn’t matter as long as I’m enjoying it. It started with a pack of metallic sharpies I was just messing around drawing leaves and buds and flowers there is something about it being permanent makers if you make a mistake you just have to stick with it make it in to something. With pencil I was never happy with anything so I would just rub it out again and again leaving nothing but flakes of rubber everywhere. With the makers I was stuck with it, a beautiful imperfection which gave me the confidence to carry on. I also found an old a2 sketch pad that I had used to make revision posters when I was doing gcses, having that make space real helped and being old paper not paper I had bought specially let me take away the pressure I would normally put on thing like this. Recently I have gone back to pencil but have kept that confidence and knowing if I lose it again the markers are always there. It has given me a real freedom. My mind has felt like a swirling pity and with drawing its like I can put that all on to the paper.
Scary words for me depression and anxiety. While I was ill I was often accused of this or that’s how it felt anyway. Then, I was not effected by either depression or anxiety, well not in-proportionately, if you do something new you are going to be anxious its natural. If it makes you shake and dread it to the point of not doing it that’s when it become a problem. Ironically now I’m physically better my head is taking it toll. I alway saw it as a weakness someone just not being strong enough. I would never let myself do that I would alway push on. If it was anyone telling me these things affected them, I would understand, it would be their problem that they were dealing with so good for them. But I can’t apply that to myself, as far I am concerned it’s showing my weakness in a way I cannot control and I can’t do that. I should be stronger I hate taking pills I hate that I have to admit this. Even writing this I am bit embarrassed. But then again if I am admitting to this, I’m dealing with it not just pretending it’s not there, I’m fixing it. That isn’t weak I’m not giving in to this. I doing something about it and I’m proud. So here goes I have anxiety and depression and I’m doing something about it. Every pill I take is me showing my strength not weakness.